


The Post-Tour Blues

by Butterfly



Series: Post-Tour Blues [1]
Category: American Idol RPF
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-07-17
Updated: 2009-07-17
Packaged: 2017-10-02 15:07:22
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,624
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7713
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Butterfly/pseuds/Butterfly
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kris had never really been any good at letting go of Adam.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Post-Tour Blues

Kris had always known that the last day of tour was going to be painful - even if he ignored how much he and Adam had connected over the course of the show, there was still so much that he was going to miss. There was Allison, with her silly laugh and the way she made fun of him like the little sister that he'd always imagined having, and Matt with his _amazing_ piano skills and great sense of humor, and Megan and Lil's sweetness. Even Danny and Michael, who he'd had his ups and downs with on the show, had become almost like family.

And then there was Adam, who couldn't be ignored after all. He'd never expected to meet someone like Adam.

Which wasn't about the gay thing - Kris had been pretty sure that he would meet gay people in L.A., so that came as no surprise. It was the way that they had just... _connected_ on every level as musicians, despite not having specific musical genres in common, that had been so surprising to him. It was the way it almost seemed like Adam could read his mind sometimes, which was a skill that Katy hadn't ever really had, wonderful as she was. Any time he talked to Adam about something, whether it was music-related or not, he always came away feeling better about the direction he was going in - Adam would either reassure him about the choices he'd made, help him make a correction, or even give him advice that took him down a completely different road. And from what Adam said, it went both ways, though Kris didn't think that he'd been anywhere near as great a help to Adam as Adam was to him.

About half-way through the tour, Kris realized that Adam genuinely _was_ his closest friend... and he'd been that for a while. Whenever he thought of something cool or learned something new or anything important happened, it was always Adam that he wanted to talk to about it. And, on tour, it had been _so easy_ to do just that. He could always turn to Adam and just talk to him.

So, that last concert was worse than pretty much every good-bye he'd ever had in his life, despite knowing that he _was_ going to see Adam later. Because it was the end of the twenty-four hour closeness that had much existed between them since they'd each won places in the finals, not including the long break between the show and tour.

But if he'd thought that day and the day of the actual good-byes were bad, the day after they actually went their separate ways managed to reach a new low. He'd spent time separated from people he cared about before - he'd actually done a lot of that, between college and mission trips. He should be able to handle it, but he found that there was a sore place in the middle of his heart that he couldn't stop poking at - which is how texting Adam basically became his new obsession.

Texting Adam wasn't a new thing. They'd started texting back and forth as soon as they'd become friends. It was the volume of texts that had multiplied exponentially. And, if he was being honest with himself, texting Adam _what he had had for breakfast_ fell on the 'pathetic' side of the behavior scale.

Luckily, Adam kept texting him back, which Kris took as a sign that he wasn't being _too_ scary about it. And it really just became part of his life after a while - something happened, he would text Adam about it and then go on with what he needed to do.

It took a couple of months before Katy noticed what was going on. They hadn't really had the chance to reconnect after the tour, since Kris was still working hard on his album and Katy was trying to decide if she really wanted to break into acting or if she wanted to move back to Arkansas (one of these days, he needed to tell her that he wasn't planning on ever just living in Arkansas again - having one house there and another somewhere like L.A. was one thing, but he wasn't going to handcuff his career, and definitely not this early on).

"You're always on your phone," she said one morning. He'd sent one of his stupid breakfast texts (_had 2 eggs; some toast; OJ. haven't had bacon in months. blame you._) and he just shrugged. He didn't really want to talk too much about this thing that he was doing with Adam. It wasn't a big deal. They were _texts_. Who took texts seriously? "We're finally living in the same house, but I still never see you."

"It's the album," Kris said, which was definitely true, as far as it went. "The label will kill me if I don't choose between the last two songs before Friday."

"Can't they just put them both on there?" she asked. Kris laughed, though he didn't mean to, and her face fell and he felt kinda like a piece of shit, so he struggled to explain.

"It's just not that easy." He lifted up a hand, trying to capture his thoughts. "It's about the vibe of the album. I want the entire disc to feel _complete_, like there's no other way it could exist. I have to make a choice."

"Do I... which songs are they?" Katy asked, that echo of hurt still in her eyes. It was kinda shocking to realize that _he'd never told her_. He'd told Adam, after all, had been texting him every detail of his struggle between the two songs and what kind of sound that he was trying to build. How had he never told her?

"I'm trying to decide between _Glimmer_ and _Banged Up_," he said, trying to remember if he'd ever played them for her. She looked slightly blank, which probably meant that he hadn't. Shit. What the hell was wrong with him? His fingers itched, because if there was anything that he needed Adam's help with, this was it. "Hey, baby, why don't I play them for you later and you can help me decide?"

She stared into his eyes for a while and then the corners of her mouth lifted up into a hesitant smile. "Yeah," she breathed. "That sounds good."

And after he left and he was in the car on the way to the label, he texted Adam: _have learned i'm a shitty husband. help?_

He checked his messages once he'd arrived at the Jive offices and there was already a response: _bullshit, your wonderful. whats wrong?_

never told her about songs; srsly i suck

no you dont. i have a lot of experience in the subject. SO I WOULD KNOW

haha. no fair pulling the gay card

It was stupid, but it made him feel better. Turning the corner into lobby and seeing Adam, though, made the world stop.

Adam was still playing with his phone; in fact, Kris felt the little buzz that meant he'd gotten another text, so Kris took the time to get his breath back. Adam looked good - looked _healthy_. He wasn't wearing crazy levels of foundation and his hair had gotten a little longer on the sides. He was smiling, which had become one of Kris's favorite things at some point during the last year.

"So, this is a surprise," Kris drawled, letting himself really dip into his accent. Adam's reaction was... well, he actually jumped a little in surprise and his eyes widened, and so did his smile. "You are seriously not supposed to be here. What's up?"

"Allison asked me to drop by," Adam said, and his eyeshadow was an interesting shade - sorta green-blue, with a lot of sparkle. It looked great on him, of course. "She's finally going to get a chance to see the cover art for her album and she wanted me here."

"She didn't tell me," Kris said, feeling kinda stupid. Here Adam was, and he'd been missing the hell out of the guy, and now that they were in the same room, he was acting like they were... whatever, he didn't even know. So, he tilted his head to the side, licked his lips nervously, and confessed, "I really missed you."

And then they were reaching out for each other and it was like time just slipped away and he was back during the tour when it felt like it might never end, like he and Adam would always be within reach of each other. He was burying his face in Adam's shoulder and he was a little afraid that he was holding so tightly that he would leave bruises, but Adam's grip was pretty strong, too.

"Missed you, too," Adam whispered into his ear, and Kris just _shuddered_ and he couldn't break away, even though he and Adam had been standing together for a while now. He just needed... just a little more time here. God, he'd even missed Adam's _smell_, how crazy was that? "Texts aren't enough."

Kris sniffled and - no, that was stupid. He didn't _do_ that. His family cried, all the time, because they were emotional like that, but Kris prided himself on being the non-crier of the family. He was not going to cry just because he'd been missing his best friend.

He pulled back a bit, though he couldn't quite bring himself to let go of Adam. Adam's hands drifted down to the small of Kris's back. "Hey, since you're here, maybe you could listen to _Glimmer_ and _Banged Up_. I could seriously use your help on making up my mind. Do you have time?"

Adam's smile wasn't as wide as it had been before, but it was almost better - more intense, Kris thought. Kinda intimate, because it was just for him. "Yeah, I'd like that."

"Seriously, though, I have missed you so much," Kris said, rubbing one of his hands up Adam's arm. "Until Alli gets out here, you should really get to talking. You texted that you and Drake are just friends again but never really went into detail, what's that about?"

Adam laughed, so it wasn't going to be a painful story, and then he tugged Kris out of the middle of the lobby and onto one of the waiting couches. The receptionist was giving them an odd look, but Kris really didn't care. Adam started talking softly and Kris leaned in to hear him better.

Life didn't give out many perfect moments, but this right here: seeing Adam again, hearing his voice, knowing that he'd missed Kris just as much. It came pretty damn close.

Seeing Allison again was a treat and a half - there was another round of hugs and Kris let the receptionist know to tell his manager that he was going to go with Adam and Allison to see her cover and then he would head out to the studio with Adam to figure out the last song, so he'd be back in the afternoon. She'd raised an eyebrow, but then she'd turned to the phones, so Kris figured that it would be okay.

Allison's art was _completely_ awesome. Jive wasn't going the traditional Idol cheesy way, they were really letting her own her rocker individuality, which was similar to the freedom they were allowing Kris and he was really pleased with the results for both of them so far. Another round of hugs happened, but then Allison had to jet off to a meeting with someone about her post-album tour - there was a chance she could open for Pink, she said, looking thrilled to her toes.

And then he and Adam were alone again. They took Adam's mustang out to Kris's studio, purely because Adam really _really_ wanted to show it off. He made Kris drive it, though Kris had to admit that there wasn't much force involved. And then he had to tell Adam that it drove like a dream and was the best car imaginable and a whole lot of other stuff that really served no other purpose but to make Adam glow and grin, but that was probably a good enough reason.

He got Adam set up with a headset and the two tracklists and then went over and hovered nervously in the corner. He'd told Adam half a dozen different things about how he believed the songs would affect the sound of the album, but this was the first time that Adam was actually going to hear _any_ of his new songs. He'd never... he'd never played any of _Brand New Shoes_ for Adam, though Adam might have heard the songs on the internet if he'd gone looking, so this was really the first time that Adam was experiencing Kris as a _songwriter_.

He really wasn't sure how he'd react if Adam thought he sucked.

So, he waited in the corner, surprised to find himself biting on a thumbnail because that wasn't even _his_ nervous gesture. That was something that Adam did. Except, apparently, Kris did it now, too.

Time seemed to move as fast as a sloth crossing an abandoned highway and Kris did his best not to stare at Adam and judge his reactions. Adam would give an opinion when he was done listening. Trying to second-guess based on what he _thought_ he was seeing in Adam's face would drive him nuts.

Finally, Adam took off the headset. He was quiet, thoughtful, and Kris wasn't sure if that was good or bad.

"_Glimmer_'s a prettier song," he said, not looking up. "But I think _Banged Up_ fits better into the rest of the album." Kris took a step forward and Adam reached up and rubbed at his eyes. "Hey, Kris, you're a... you're a really personal writer, right? So, this is stuff that's coming out of your Idol experiences."

Kris shrugged, because, yeah. Of course. He'd had co-writers on some of the songs, but even on those, his personal stamp was fairly strong. Adam swiveled around in the chair to face Kris, something unnameable in his eyes.

"Is _Glimmer_ about me?" Adam asked, and Kris flinched back, eyes going wide.

"It's about L.A.," he said, his hands clenching into fists. "About the city and the way it touches you. Changes you. It's not... it's-"

"Hey, hey." And Adam was standing up again, wrapping Kris into another hug and it was so easy to just _let_ him. "It's okay, baby, it really is."

Adam's voice was so low, so gentle, and Kris just shook his head and curled into Adam's body. "Yeah," Kris said. "Maybe it's a little bit about you."

"You shouldn't put it on the album," Adam said and his hands were clinging so tightly. "Everything else, that's just about the experiences, but anyone listening to that song would think - hell, Kris, if I didn't know better-"

Kris closed his eyes and breathed Adam in and wondered whether Adam really _did_ know better. Because Adam was so warm and everything in his life had felt just that little bit incomplete while they hadn't been seeing each other. Because the greatest moment of the Idol finale hadn't been winning or hugging Katy or even the victory sex with her afterwards. The best moment had been standing on the stage with Adam, singing with Queen and not giving a _fuck_ about who the winner was.

So, yeah, maybe this thing with Adam had turned into a _thing_. And maybe Kris didn't really know what to do with that, seeing as he was married and had always been straight and didn't have the first clue what should happen next. In theory, he should let Adam go and run home to Katy and tell her that he'd picked _Banged Up_ for the album - because Adam was right, of course, he was, and Kris had only really wanted _Glimmer_ for sentimental reasons - and then maybe have sex with her in that dirty way that involved a lot of her really breathy _female_ sounds that he'd always gotten off on.

But he'd never really been any good at letting go of Adam.

"You should probably tell me to stop," Kris said, his hands unclenching just enough so that he could slide them down Adam's back. Adam made a choked sound and Kris lifted up his chin, his eyes meeting Adam's - Adam looked just as lost as Kris felt, and when Kris's hands slid down far enough to touch the strip of skin between Adam's shirt and his pants, Adam shivered all over, his eyes shutting. That was... Kris found that the biggest thing he was feeling relief. This thing, this stupid thing that was going to completely ruin his life, it wasn't just him. That made it easier, somehow, to keep going. At least if they fell, they would fall together.

Carefully, he pushed one of his hands up under Adam's shirt, exploring the soft heat of Adam's back - much broader and firmer than Katy's, of course, but it was skin all the same and Adam gasped when Kris dragged blunt fingernails down the line of his spine.

It was funny - Adam had always been taller and just plain _bigger_ than Kris, but he'd never really felt it until this moment. It hadn't ever been relevant, but now his mind was clouded with fuzzy images where Adam's bigness translated to things that he'd never-

Thoughts that had only ever existed in the very back of his mind, that only came up late at night or in the shower and then only for seconds. Easily-dismissed thoughts because, hey, everyone jerked off and everyone thought about random shit when they did. Except Adam had always mattered in everything else and _that_ was what made the difference.

It didn't matter that he hadn't slept with Adam before - he'd been cheating on Katy for months without ever realizing it.

"I'm sorry," he whispered. He wasn't sure if it was meant for Adam or for Katy or maybe even for God, because what he was doing wasn't right. He'd put another person ahead of his wife. For months, Adam had been his partner in all but name. And that wasn't fair to anyone. "Shit, this is fucked up."

Adam giggled, but there was a raw edge to the sound that made Kris press to him even more tightly. "What are you doing, Kris?" he asked, the question muttered into the curve of Kris's neck, only barely audible. "What are _we_ doing?"

And Kris closed his eyes tightly and asked God for forgiveness. "I need you in my life," he said. "The album - it's all about Idol, but that means that it's all about you. I can't- I can't turn around and not think of you. The thing is... the thing is-"

He took in a slow, heaving breath and pushed up to press his mouth against Adam's neck, tasting the layer of foundation and the salt of just being a person. He spoke his next words into Adam's ear. "I can imagine not having Katy around," he said, and his voice was trembling. "But I can't imagine a life without you. Not anymore."

His words seemed to snap something inside Adam, because he was being lifted up - holy _shit_ Adam was strong - and pushed up against the wall and he had to wrap his legs around Adam's waist to feel less like a rag doll and then Adam's tongue was in his mouth and his brain stopped.

He wasn't actually kissing so much as _being kissed_. One of Adam's hands was tilting his head for a better angle and the other one was undoing the buttons on his shirt and Adam's mouth was overwhelming his senses with the _hot_ and the _wet_, so he found it was easy to just... just let Adam move him and touch him, to just give it all up.

Adam was saying something, but Kris couldn't focus enough to catch the words. Only the tone seemed to penetrate and it made him quiver because it was low and, _fuck_, it was needy, and he hadn't known that Adam felt this way because-

Because he'd been Adam's for the taking. That much was clear in the flashes of heat that raced through his body with every new bit of skin that Adam touched. If Adam had ever done this to him, ever held him down and taken him, he would have surrendered completely. Even that first day, if Adam had-

Adam broke the kiss and Kris moaned in complaint. He opened his eyes and tried to catch Adam's mouth again, but Adam was holding his head in place and he _couldn't_, but then Adam was ducking down and he licked up Kris's chest, taking Kris's nipple between his teeth. Kris's breath caught and he held himself completely still. Adam wasn't tugging or biting, just very carefully resting Kris's nipple in his mouth. His tongue flickered against Kris, surprising a whimper out of him.

God, he was so hard. And he could feel Adam, too, pressing against his stomach and, oh, they were _in the studio_ and the door wasn't locked but he couldn't get enough air to tell Adam because Adam was sucking now and all Kris could do was shiver and make small, desperate noises.

Somehow, his hands were in Adam's hair and it took everything in him to just _hold_ and not yank, because he'd only ever slept with Katy and he'd loved that, he'd _loved it_, so he didn't know why this was breaking him apart. With one last sucking kiss, Adam pulled back from Kris, though he was still holding him securely against the wall. Adam looked like he'd been drugged, eyes big and dark, only the faintest ring of blue still visible, and he was panting like he'd run a marathon.

Though Kris wasn't doing much better.

"I really need you to tell me that you're okay with this," Adam said and his mouth was slightly swollen from how hard he'd been sucking on Kris's skin. He wanted Adam to kiss him again. He wanted Adam to kiss him _forever_.

"Please," he said, and the sound of his own voice shocked him - husky and broken, like he'd spent the last few minutes screaming his lungs out. "I- _please_."

Adam's mouth curved into a smile that Kris had only ever seen on stage before, a wicked, clever turn to his mouth that said he knew everyone's secrets and just how to use them. Kris shivered again and slumped against the wall, letting Adam doing all the work of holding him up. Even if Adam put him down right now, he wasn't sure if his legs would still work.

"Again," Adam ordered, his tongue darting out to leave a sheen of moisture on his lower lip that made Kris's stomach twist up with want. "Say it again."

"Please," Kris whispered, his eyes half-shut. Adam leaned forward, placing his mouth a hairsbreadth away from Kris's cheek.

"Keep saying it," he said, and then he pressed his mouth against Kris's skin and dragged it downward. Kris's hands had fallen to Adam's shoulders and he clutched them hard, his hips bucking involuntarily.

And he said it, over and over. He moaned it when Adam kissed down his chest again, whimpered it when Adam finally released him from his jeans, and flat-out screamed it when Adam took his cock in hand. He arched up, again and again, and begged and begged. And Adam gave, his hand moving steadily but not quite _enough_. He was clawing at Adam's back, his head banging against the wall and this was- this was nothing he'd ever-

With a last gasping "please" he came, leaving streaks on his chest and Adam's shirt.

He breathed slowly, trying to bring his mind back into play. Adam was still holding him, but his arms were starting to tremble, so Kris tried to get his mouth to work. "We can sit down," he offered and his voice kinda sounded like shit but he wasn't sure if he'd ever felt better in his life, so there might be a trade-off in there, somewhere. "And I can help you out," Kris said, attempting a coy smile, though it was probably about as big a success as his 'sexy' face.

"You don't need to," Adam said, a wry twist to his mouth.

"I don't mind-"

"No, I mean it's _really_ not necessary," Adam interrupted and then he grabbed one of Kris's hands and pressed it against the wet spot on his pants. Kris let out a surprised breath. "Yeah, kinda pathetic, I know."

"You liked touching me that much?" Kris asked. Wow. Just... just _jerking Kris off_ had made Adam come. "That's the best thing ever."

Adam laughed and pulled away, unhooking Kris's legs from around his waist. Kris staggered when he tried to stand and then he slumped against the wall, not quite sitting but not really standing either.

"So. First gay experience," Adam said and there was a wariness in his eyes.

"Yeah," Kris said. He leaned his head back against the wall and stared up at the ceiling. "I think that I have to get a divorce."

"Woah, okay, moving a little fast, don't you think?" Adam said, and he was holding Kris's hand now. Kris stared down at their hands curiously. They'd never really done the hand-holding thing before, so apparently that was something that Adam only did with people he fucked. Huh. He kinda liked it.

"I don't know, I did just cheat on my wife," Kris pointed out. And, yeah, he was probably floating on a cloud of 'just had sex' but his logic seemed pretty sound. Marriage was a sacred promise. He'd broken it. Clearly, either he had to change his behavior (after appropriately asking forgiveness from Katy and God) or he could change the situation (though he should probably still tell Katy. At some point in the future). And after what had just happened, changing his behavior seemed... impossible on the level of him hitting Adam's high notes.

"Yeah, but, how do you- you can't just- you were straight yesterday!" Adam was making _really_ flamboyant gestures with his free hand. Adam was always gay, but sometimes he was also very _very_ gay. "You can't just switch like that."

Kris shrugged. "It feels like I can."

"But. But!" Adam waved his hand a few more times. Kris chuckled, post-sex lassitude filling him with goodwill toward... everything, really. Adam's next words came out in a wail, "What if you change _back_?"

Kris blinked. Oh, _that's_ what was bothering him.

"I wouldn't worry about that," Kris said, bringing Adam's hand up to his mouth and kissing it. "Seriously, accept that I turned gay for you and move on from there."

And finally, _finally_, Adam seemed to get that Kris was okay here. Kris tugged Adam down and kissed him, firmly but sweetly. Adam relaxed into the kiss and, yeah, that same shiver of heat raced under Kris's skin again.

"Wow, the tabloids are going to slaughter me," Adam said, but he sounded pretty cheerful about it. "You were a married, straight Christian boy who dressed in ill-fitting plaid shirts and baggy jeans when I met you. And now you're a queer twink who wears fuck-me clothes. Damn, I'm _good_."

Kris giggled.

"Do you know how many bragging points this is going to get me?" Adam asked, clearly not expecting an answer, because he kept on rolling. "Like, _all_ of them. You, baby, are a gay man's fucking _fantasy_ \- did you know that? - well, you are. And I _got_ you."

"Yeah," Kris said, with a soft grin. "You've got me."


End file.
